To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine
By Dr. Stephen Fife
I recently heard a remarkable story about a man who is working in Sierra Leone with perpetrators and victims of war atrocities in order to facilitate forgiveness and repair emotional wounds. His efforts are having a significant effect in helping these parties reconcile and heal. This story inspired me to think about the importance of forgiveness in each of our lives, particularly in the context of families.
The18th-century English poet Alexander Pope penned the phrase: “To err is human, to forgive divine.” This famous quote highlights two aspects of family life: 1) Families are made up of humans who make mistakes, and 2) forgiveness can bring profound healing in family relationships. Because of the close proximity of family members and the emotional closeness (and inherent vulnerability) that occurs, family relationships provide regular opportunities to offend or take offense—and to forgive.
Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult things we do in our lives, but can also be one of the most helpful. Research shows that forgiveness is a key ingredient of successful marriages and families and can facilitate both individual and relationship healing. Studies indicate that forgiveness can help one overcome interpersonal hurt, anger, depression, family-of-origin issues, sexual abuse, and marital problems. The ability to seek and offer forgiveness is one of the most significant factors associated with marital stability and satisfaction. It is an important part of the healing process for everyday relationship hurts as well as more significant offenses, such as infidelity. It can help remove emotional burdens and help restore relationships, if desired.
Nevertheless, negative beliefs or misunderstandings about forgiveness often keep people from considering it. Some mistakenly see forgiveness as accepting, excusing, or condoning the mistreatment, conveying the message that what the other did was OK or that the offense was not that bad. Some view forgiveness as a sign of weakness or being a pushover. Others feel that forgiveness has the effect of sweeping a problem under the rug or lets the perpetrator off the hook. Understood in these ways, forgiveness may feel too risky or unappealing.
However, forgiveness is characterized by a voluntary release of negative thoughts and feelings toward another, thus freeing up energy once tied to anger, bitterness, and resentment. It primarily benefits the one doing the forgiving, not the one being forgiven. It brings freedom and liberation.
By putting down anger and letting go of resentment and the desire for others to suffer, we are relieved of the heavy burden such emotions carry with them. As Terry Warner observed, with forgiveness we let go of anger “as one whose boat has capsized might let go of a satchel of belongings which has been dragging him or her underwater and let it simply float away as obviously the lesser of two losses.” It also allows us to approach family members in a way that invites them into a constructive dialog about possible solutions to family problems.
Dr. Stephen Fife is an Associate Professor in the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at UNLV. His research has been published and presented international conferences. He is happily married and the father of two sons. Contact Dr. Fife at Stephen.Fife@unlv.edu